No Resurrection Without Death

It was with deep grief tonight that I stripped my beautiful, now-dead Christmas tree of her trimmings. Yes, I hear you jeering that it is mid-January, and I should be "over it by now."
I'm terminally sentimental. It's part of what makes me, me. :)

I removed all the decorations and lights, thanking her for the beauty she had bestowed upon our home over the past months. I apologized as the needles rained, still fragrant, to the carpet. And then she was bare, and I was weeping.

No, I don't worship nature.
No, I don't believe the trees have spirits - no matter how fond I am of Narnia.

"This isn't about the tree," I heard a whisper say.

I've been on a path for awhile now - a journey to heal, to overcome. They are wounds I'd grown strong enough to forgive but still fear. And I have come to see what I've felt for much of my life was strength is really just a stronghold - and not my own at that.

So in recent days God has made two things very clear: 1. Some battles are won only in prayer and fasting and 2. There is no resurrection without death (John 12:24-25).

The battle of "dying to ourselves" is one we often feel we've fought. (Ya win some; ya lose some.) But I'm realizing with gravity it is one I am not fighting often enough - at least not as often as the Spirit would desire, which is moment by moment.

And so through tears, on my knees, tenderly brushing the brittle spindles of a dead pine tree I realized, "I am pre-grieving the 'death' of me." - again, and yet I feel, more profoundly this time.

To be honest, I'm a little fearful at what He's calling me to. A) Because I can't SEE that far (thanks!) and B) Because any kind of death is painful in some form. There is no such thing as spiritual morphine.

But I am also hopeful - because I would rather walk in resurrection than simply in a life I understand and think is under control. It's a beautiful call - to be like Him - even if our cross is only spiritual. Of course, the cross must be faced in spirit before we could ever carry it physically.

What about you? Are you living in the death of a life you've found or are you losing your life so that you can be found in Him?

Is there something Christ is calling you to die to? Let me know. We can pray for each other.

Some months ago my friend, Abby shared this song with me. She said, "It will make you cry." Oh, so many times, Abby, so many times. :) It has become part of my prayer. I pray it draws you toward the pursuit of new life.

Show Me (Audrey Assad) (I like to see the lyrics; hope it's not a distraction :)

Much love,

Tammi